My Pregnancy Loss Story

OCTOBER IS PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS AWARENESS MONTH. On October 15th (world pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day), participate in the International Wave of Light by lighting a candle at 7 pm local time to honor all babies gone too soon. Keep your candle lit for at least one hour to create a continuous “wave of light” across all time zones covering the entire globe!

Since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month I thought it would be a good time to share my story. I also work with many women and families who wish to conceive and I want to share that as devastating as miscarriage can be, there is hope and light at the other end. Many resources are available today to assist with pregnancy loss and grief support as well as fertility support (especially acupuncture & Chinese medicine), surrogacy and adoption, if that is where ones journey leads.

Eleven years ago lost a baby in the first trimester. And like so many other women who have experienced pregnancy loss, we are reluctant to talk about the pain, disappointment and grief connected to our experience.

Eleven years ago my husband and I wanted to grow our family. We had a healthy three-year-old daughter and felt ready for another child. With preparation and intention, we conceived quickly. I was ecstatic to be pregnant again so I shared the news with everyone in my world. I told all our dear friends, family, fellow moms at our daughter’s preschool, my hairdresser, and the woman who helped me clean our house and the list goes on.

I felt great until one night at the end of the sixth week, when I had a dream that the baby was not alive. I woke up disoriented and confused. The dream felt very real. I honestly did not know what to do with the message in the dream.

Was it real? Was it a fear manifesting?

I went about my daily life as usual; working, caring for my daughter and adjusting to my new pregnancy. I kept having thoughts that the baby was not alive and I tried to ignore them, but my intuition told me that something was not right.

At ten weeks, I went for an ultrasound and sadly discovered there was no fetal heartbeat. The fetus had stopped growing around six weeks of gestation, just when I had the dream.

I continually asked myself how and why this miscarriage could have happened. My husband and I were both very healthy. I knew there was no direct explanation, but I felt very heavyhearted and disappointed. The experience shed light on how dreams are one of the ways our intuition communicates with us.

The grief continued. When others asked me about my pregnancy and I had to tell them what happened, I learned that so many people in my life had their own miscarriages that they kept silent about, including my own mother! This did comfort me a little but the pain persisted.

I tapped into yoga and Ayurveda to help with my grieving process and trauma recovery by adopting a positive attitude based on yogic principles. I used simple pranayama (breathing) practices to lift and transform sadness, and took herbs for emotional and hormonal balance and clearing stagnation after the miscarriage. Eventually, I came to terms with the loss and started to feel like myself again or a new version of myself, changed from the experience.

After several months of recovering from the physical and emotional trauma of miscarriage, my husband and I wanted to conceive again. This time it did not happen as easily. Was there scar tissue from the miscarriage? Had my hormones reset properly? I questioned whether or not I was actually ovulating. Tired after months of regularly scheduled lovemaking during my fertile period, we decided to let go of the effort and move on with other aspects of our lives. Just when we let go, I became pregnant. I kept very quiet about this pregnancy until well into the second trimester and carried this baby to term. I gave birth to a healthy son, Mateo Ravi, nine months later and our family then felt complete.

Since that time I returned to school for acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. One of the key focuses of my practice today is supporting women’s health and especially fertility. I love being a resource to help others optimize their health to enhance fertility, stay well during pregnancy and to prepare for a safe and effective birth. Eastern medicine is often a missing link and I’m delighted to provide these services to others.